Me and the earth altar - Describe memory of Sir!

 Remains is how to live problem, which is not completely at a certain moment can think through, not one to solve the matter, afraid of how long it is long to live either on the order, like the devil is with you for life or a lover. So, fifteen years, I always get to the ancient garden, next to its old trees, or weeds or the decadent side of the wall next to Mozuo, to Dai Xiang, Li and open the ears of the noisy chaos of the mind of a reason to spy see their heart and soul. fifteen years, the shape of the ancient garden was deliberately not understand who carved it, but fortunately some things no one can change any of it. For example, in the sunset Shihmen altar, the glorious tile moment of silence , on the ground have been mapping every bumpy too bright; example, in the garden of the most lonely time, a group of Swift will come out and sing, the world called Hande desolation; such as children's footprints on the snow in winter, leads people to guess who they are has done what where, and then all went to where to go; such as those Cang Cooper black, when you are sad they stood there calmly, your calm and happy when they are still standing there, they did not Day and night do not stand there, not born from you has to stand powerless in this world, when you; example, sudden temporary garden rain, sparking waves of intense burning of vegetation and soil and pure smell, reminiscent of numerous summer events; example, suddenly to autumn, and then have an early frost, leaves, or sway in the wind or calm nestled dance, garden spread the Yutie and slightly bitter in taste. taste is the most clear, the taste can not write can only be heard, to understand you can smell immersive. taste even difficult to remember, only you and remember you can smell it all the emotion and meaning it. So I often go to that garden. < br>

five
I did not forget a child - a beautiful and tragic little girl. fifteen years ago That afternoon, I first came to this garden to see her, when she was about three years old, squatted on the west side of the small road Itsuki picking up fallen trees, open a small, dense clusters of yellow flowers, the flowers of many as they bear three leaves encircle the small lanterns, small lanterns, first green, then turn white, then yellow, ripe fall on the floor. small lanterns It is too delicate care, adults can not help but pick up a must pick one. little girl babbling to talking with their own, while picking up a small lantern; her voice is good, not her that at that age are often as shrill, but a very mellow or even heavy, perhaps because of that afternoon in the garden too quiet. I wonder how such a small child that a man ran up the garden? I asked her child live? she casually refers to the look, called, her brother, along the foot of the wall would stand along the Mau Tso into a seven-year-old boy looked at me, look at me like bad is his sister said: lower body to go, what he was catching insects. He caught the mantis, grasshoppers, cicadas, and Dragonfly, to please his sister. there are so two or three years, I often Luan trees in that big trees to see them, brother and sister always play together, and play live in harmony, all began to grow too big. After many years of not seeing them. I think they are in school now, little girls to school age, must be the farewell to childhood days , there are not many opportunities to play here. this is normal, no reason to put too much in mind, if not a year I see them in the garden, certainly will slowly forget them.
It was a Sunday morning. It was a sunny and heartbreaking morning, many years later, I actually found that pretty little girl turned out to be a mentally handicapped child. I shook the car down to that Koelreuteria large trees , is everywhere covered with just a small lantern season; when I was the one suffering from the end of the novel, I do not know why is it only as an end, I do not know why they do not want it to have such a sudden end, so from home came out and would like to rely on the Park in the calm, to see whether we should put that story up. I just stop the car to see not far in front of several people tease a girl, make strange way to scare her, but also cried laughing, chasing her block her, girls in between the trees to hide around looking in dismay, but volume in the bosom of Bu Songshou pulling skirts, with bare legs may also wish to notice it. I see the girl intelligence is that some defects, but has not yet seen who she was. I'm going to drive the front for the girls rescue, quickly ride to see the distance to the young man, so that several girls tease guys Wangfengertao. lad to Bicycle branch near the girl, looked at a few scattered fled angry guy, silent breathing heavily, his face as if the sky before a storm than for a pale. Then I recognized them, boy and girl is the year that the small brothers and sisters. I almost uttered a cry in my heart, or cry. things of the world often make God's motives become questionable. young man went to his sister. girls let go, with the skirt The drawn to down, many, many small lantern she picked it spilled over the ground, spread scattered at her feet. she is still considered beautiful, but there is no glory hysteresis eyes. She stared running loose group of guys looking, looking ahead in the at the deserted, with her intelligence will never be put in this world want to see? large trees, broken light scattered, small lanterns wind blew rolling over and over, as if the numerous small dumb bells to ringing. brother to sister help on the bike seat, with her and go home without a word.
Silence is right. If God put these two things beautiful and mentally gave this little girl, Only silence and go home to be right.
who can put the world like a understand? the world is unbearable to say many things. You can complain to God why the drop a lot of suffering to this world, you can also fight for the eradication of all suffering, and enjoys a high and proud for this, but if you want to step you will fall more deeply perplexed: If the world is not suffering, world can also exist? If not stupid, what a glorious wit it? If not the ugly, pretty, how to maintain their lucky? If not the poor and humble, kind and noble, how will define their own virtues and how to become it? Without a disability, their sound will become bored and boring common? I often dream of complete elimination of disability in the world, but you can believe that, when the sick will be replaced by people with disabilities to take the same suffering. if full eradication of the diseases, then this suffering in turn from (say) ugly people to bear. Even if we do not even ugly, even the ignorance and dirty and all the things we do not like and behavior, can also be wiped out all , all of them as healthy, beautiful, intelligent, noble, what will happen then? fear is on the whole world repertoire to end, and a lost world of difference will be a backwater, is a piece of the desert do not feel there is no fertility. < br> It seems always to have differences. It seems to only accept the suffering - all the drama of human need it, need it there itself. It seems God has once again on.
So there is a most desperate and so the conclusion here: who is going to act the role of those suffering? there who is going to reflect the world of happiness, pride and joy? but to let chance, good talk is not justified.
to fate, the rest of justice.
then, the fate of all the unfortunate way of salvation, where what?
And if the wisdom of understanding can lead us to find the way of salvation, do all people have access to this wisdom and understanding you?
I always thought it was ugly beauty created. I always thought it was a wise man Yu Meng cited. I always thought it was a coward lining according to the hero. I always thought it was the degree of sentient beings the Buddha.


two
Now I think, when I always went alone to the altar go out to his mother was kind of a problem.
; she is not the kind of light will not know how to love his son to understand his son's mother. She knew my heart's anguish, knowing that should not stop me to get out, know that I am staying at home if the results will be worse , but she also worried that I am a person in that desolate garden all day thinking about. I was grumpy the extreme, as is often crazy to leave home, since the garden and came back in a magic-like What word said. mother know that some things should not be asked, they hesitated to ask and finally dared to ask, because she did not mind the answer. She thought I would not wish me to go with her, so she never such a request, and she knows to give me a little time alone, and must have such a process. She just does not know how long this process was, and the end of this process really is. Every time I want to leave, she will be speechless I am ready to help, help me on the wheelchair, looked at me and shake out the small car Shui Institute; afterwards she going to be, when I never thought about.
car once I roll out of the yard, think of what a Fan Shen and back, saw his mother is still standing still, or get the position when I left, I turned out looking at that at the small courtyard to the corner of my back actually does not respond to temporary . until she sent me out again, she said: secretly prayer tips for me, is pleading with the orders. only after the death of her sudden, I have spare time vision, when I'm not home that long period of time, how she was restless and rather difficult to sit, and the pain and fear and pray for a minimum of a mother. Now I can conclude that, to her intelligence and perseverance, in the empty night after falling during the day, in that after the sleepless night the day, she thought to want to go to the final standard is said to himself: - It was a period of several days older, I think I made the mother prepared for the worst, but she never said to me: She thought about it. when her son was too young for the mother had a chance to think, he was the fate of hit dizzy, as one thought it was one of the world's most unfortunate, do not know where his son's misfortune in her mother always double . She has a long to the age of the son on a sudden paraplegia, which is her only son; she would rather own than paraplegic son, but this thing can not be replaced; she thought, even if his son could live it is also OK to die, but she has convinced a person can not just live, his son must have a road to their own happiness; and this road it, no one can guarantee that her son was finally able to find a mother .--, is destined to live the most bitter mother.
have a chat with a writer friend, I asked him to study the initial motivation for writing what? He thought a moment and said: . To make her proud. This is all the motivation in the desire to also account for a large proportion. The friend said: He added: his mother than my mother was lucky, his mother without a son crippled legs, or that it is not so simple.
a story in my head released When the first time in my award-winning novel in those days, I really wish my mother was still alive. I can not stay at home right again, and then went to the altar alone all day to go, and my heart is no head no tail The gloomy and sad, all over the garden, but how could not understand: why can not his mother live more years? why her son is about to open a road crash when she was suddenly unable to go? Could she come to In order for the world is worried about her son, but not the share my little happiness? She hurried away from only forty-year-old when I went to it! have so for a while, I even God the world is full of hatred and disgust. Then I In an article entitled the answer: 'her heart bitter, God could not bear to see her, and to call her back.' I seem to have got a little comfort, opened his eyes and saw the wind is across from the woods. to the altar.
Only this time, are largely imaginary past is only in front of me was clear, before the mother's suffering and great in my heart a deep and thorough penetration. God consideration may be right.
Yaozhaolunyi slowly in the garden, but also cover the early morning fog, but also the sun hung high in the day, I just want one thing : Mother was not there. next stop in the old cypress trees, the grass against the wall to stop the decadent, but also insects everywhere afternoon, but also a homing bird evening, I was just silently saying: But the mother gone. to back down to the ground, lie down, Sishuifeishui wait until sunset, to sit up, mind trance, staring straight sit on the ancient altar and then gradually float covered with dark moon, and my heart just a little bit understand that the mother could not come looking for me in this park.
there had been lots of times, I stayed in the garden too long, the mother came to me. She came to me not want me to find that, as long as I see the good in the garden, she quietly turned back. I saw her back several times. I also saw a few back to the scene she looked around her poor eyesight, end focusing mirror to find the sea in a boat, she did not see me, I have seen her until I saw she saw me I do not see her again after a while I looked up she saw her slowly away from the to go back. I do not know how much alone time she did not find me. Once I was sitting in the bushes, trees, very close, I saw she did not find me; her a man walking in the garden, through my body next, through some of the places I often stay, walking confusion, and urgency. I do not know how long she has been looking to find a long, I do not know why I chose not to call her - but by no means a child of hide and seek, perhaps grew out of stubbornness or a shy boy? but it only left me stubborn remorse, took no pride. I really want to warn all the boys grow up, do not follow his mother to this stubborn, shy even more do not have to, I've got it but I was too late.
son wanted to make his mother proud, this feeling is too real, after all, in order to cause also a little idea of how much change the image. This is a complex issue, and leave it a strike. With the thrill of award-winning daily bleak novel, I began to believe that at least one thing I was wrong: I use pen and paper in the press a road collision on the open, not that I have found that mothers look forward to the road. in years this month, I have come to the garden, I have to think on lodging, mothers hope in the end I found that road is nothing. Mother did not leave me alive what Meaningful philosophy statement, or want me to abide by the teachings only after her death, her difficult fate, will and perseverance of love unobtrusive, as time goes by, in my a deep impression even more distinctive.
a year in October, the wind turning the leaves from the quiet, I read in the garden, heard the two walking man said: so big. my rut, a rut where I had both had the mother's footprints.

three
if the time of day to correspond to the four seasons, of course, spring is morning, noon, summer, fall, dusk, winter night. If the instrument to correspond to the four seasons, I think the spring should be a trumpet, timpani summer, autumn is the cello, horn and flute winter. If the sound of this garden to correspond to the four seasons it? Well, spring is the dove floating above the altar of the whistle, summer is long and poplar cicada song full blast on the cicada song leaves the fun, the fall of the ancient temple eaves of the wind bell, winter is the Woodpecker Woodpecker random, empty sound. to the corresponding scene in the Four Seasons Park, the spring is sometimes pale and sometimes a black run path of the road, sometimes clear and sometimes sway the heavenly strings of Yinhui Yanghua; summer is a bright and scorching article stool, or cool and covered with moss of stone steps, under a peel-order, order was sitting on half a sheet of crumpled newspaper; autumn is a bronze bell, on the northwest corner of the garden has been discarded with a large The bronze bell, bronze bell with the general age of this garden, the whole body covered with green rust, the text is not clear; winter, is clearing the old fluffy feathers on a few sparrows. the state of mind corresponding to the four seasons it? Spring is a season confined to bed, otherwise It is not easy cruelty and the desire to find the spring; summer, lovers should be in this season of love, otherwise it seems I'm sorry love; fall to buy a potted plant from outside home, put the flowers in the absence of the home, and open sunlight into the windows of the house, slowly slowly finishing recall some of the things sent a mold; winter, accompanied by fire and books, over and over firm determination to die, do not write the letter issued. You can also correspond with the art form Four Seasons, this is a picture of spring, summer is a novel, fall is a short song or poem, winter is a group of sculptures. to dream? to dream corresponds to the four seasons it? cry on Shujian spring, summer is calling in the rain, autumn is rain in the land, winter is on the land a clean pipe alone.
because this garden, I always grateful for their own destiny.
I even can now clearly see, if one day I had to leave it long, how I would miss it, miss it and how I would dream of it, would I do because they do not dare to dream dreams miss it and not see it.

four
Now let me see, fifteen years to adhere to this garden to people who are who? seems only me and a couple of old people.
Fifteen years ago, which the elderly can only be considered middle-aged couple, I was a genuine youth. They are always In the twilight walk to the park, I am not clear they are confused which side of the garden gate came from, in general, they are counter-clockwise walk around the garden. men tall, shoulder leg length, walking looked straight ahead and above the hips until the back of the neck straight and fixed; his wife, an arm of his climb to go, nor can relax his upper body slightly. woman has short stature, it is not pretty, and I no reason to believe that she will be born consist in the decline in the door of the rich family; she climbed on the arm of her husband like a delicate child, she looked around his mouth when the general fear, she whispered conversation with her husband, saw someone approached immediately sheepishly admitted to Buddist . I sometimes think of Jean Valjean for them, and Ke Saite, but this idea is not consolidated, they are a look that is known to be an old married couple. two people are considered as dressed in elegant, but because of the evolution of the times, their clothing and can be called simple. They were, like me, to this garden to almost all weather, but they are on time than me. what time I could come, they are definitely in the evening is the time. windy days, when they wearing a beige trench coat when it rained, they played a black umbrella in the summer of their shirt is black and white or beige pants, and winter coats and woolen they are black, presumably they just like the three colors . They counter-clockwise around the garden a week, and then leave. They passed me with only a man's footsteps ring, attached to the tall woman like her husband who follow the drift. I believe they have impressed me, but we did not said, we do not want to be close to each other's said. fifteen years, they may notice a young man entering middle age, I watched a pair of middle-aged couple unconsciously envy the elderly into two .
there had been a young man loves to sing, he is also the garden every day to this, to sing, and sang for many years, and later disappeared. similar to his age and I He mostly in the morning to sing to sing a half-hour or a whole morning, estimated at another time he had to go to work. We often encounter small road east of the altar, I knew he was going to the southeast corner of the wall singing, I guess he must go to the northeast corner of the woods do. I found my place, pumping a few cigarette, he heard his voice carefully sorting. He sang it over and over again a few songs. Cultural Revolution did not last When he sang Sell cloth - cloth le sale, selling cloth - selling cloth le! often go wrong in key areas, but his voice is quite bad, but also can not find a morning to sing a little tired. The sun is not tired, narrowing into a ball to the shadow of trees, dried the earthworm negligence in a small way. almost noon, we met in the east side of the altar, he look at me, I look at him, he went north, I went south. time goes by, I feel we have the desire to get to know , but it seems do not know how to speak, so they all watch each other about the final passing away eyes; this number more than one, even more do not know how to speak. Then one day - a day did not feature, we each nod. He said: We all slow down (in fact, I was slow in front of), would like to say a few words, but still do not know where to start, so we have gone through each other, they are reversed for the other body. He said: may be interested in and I say goodbye, perhaps he was admitted to Which professional art troupe or ensembles, right? really hope that he, as he sings a song as good luck paid.
; there are some people I can think of some of this in the garden often to the people. an old man, considered as a real drinker; his waist hung a flat vase, filled with the wine bottle, of course, often to This is the time spend an afternoon in the garden. He shopping around in the garden, if you are not careful you would think that the park has several old man, so you've seen a situation like his drinking prowess, you will believe this is a unique old man. He's dressed too casually, walking posture is not careful, took five-meter road will select a place one foot on a stone bench or in the soil mound or stump, off his waist bottle, the solution of the moment fans bottle hundred and eighty degrees from the eye to view the scene was to see a thin, and with lightning speed poured wine into the belly of a big mouth, shake the bottle and then hang to the waist, calmly what to think for a moment, then walked down to a five-meter. There is also a birder man, and that years of human small garden, but many birds, the trees in the northwest corner he pulled a net, hit the top of the birds, feathers in the mesh in the closure will be unable to extricate themselves. He alone so much of a past and now very rare bird, the bird hit the other he took them off the Internet to let go, he said, has a lot of years did not wait for that rare bird, he said that he wait another year to see in the end there any kind of bird, and he waited for several years. the morning and evening, in this garden you can see a middle-aged women engineers; from north to south through the morning she went to work this garden in the evening she was from south to north through this garden home. In fact, I do not know her occupation, or education, but I thought she must be the intellectuals studied engineering in school, do not kind of person is so difficult to have her naive and elegance. When she walk through time in the garden, surrounded by woods also seems to be more quiet, light a distant sun in the Jing Si piano, for instance, is Nagqu can not imagine we go, the man is best not to appear. her out of the north gate to go home, I am actually a bit worried, fearing she would fall into the kitchen, but maybe she labors in the kitchen scene of more beauty, the other, Of course, no longer is years in prison, came out finally found a pull-dray work, everything can not be treated equally with others, will practice long-distance running was very depressed. At that time he always ran to the garden, I used the watch for his timing. Every lap he strokes start to me, I will remember next time. Every time he wants to run twenty laps around the garden, about twenty thousand meters. he looked forward to his long-distance running performance to get real political liberation, he lens and words that journalists can help him do this. first year he ran in the Spring Festival on the fifteenth race around the city name, he saw the top ten pictures are hung in the Chang'an Avenue in the news window, so With confidence. Secondly, he ran fourth, but the news window hung only the top three photos, he did not lose heart. Third, he ran seventh in the top six hung windows pictures He is a bit ourselves to blame. He ran third in the fourth year, the window hung the first picture only. The first five years he ran the first place - he was almost desperate, and windows around the city, only a Photos match the people scenes. those years we were together often stay in this garden to the dark, hearty scolding, Ma Wan silent home, breaking up and then told each other: do not die first, and then try to live to see a live . now he has not run, and age is too great, not run as fast. the last time to participate in competition around the city, thirty-year-old of his age and won first place and broke the record, there is a professional team coach said to him: for several years, and now he and his wife and son live in very remote areas.
these people now do not come to the garden, the garden is almost complete for a number of new people. Fifteen years ago, the old one, now leaving me and that on the old couple. there was a period of time, this old couple one also does not come suddenly, twilight CD man to walk alone, also significantly slow gait a lot, I'm hanging heart for a long time, for fear that the woman what happened. Fortunately, the woman had a winter again, two people are still anti-clockwise around the garden setting, a figure like the long, one short of two watches two pointers; woman's hair white a lot, but still climbs like a child, her husband's arm go. of meaning of the word.



a
quite a few novels I have mentioned in an abandoned ancient garden is in fact to the altar. Many years ago, tourism has not carried out, the garden was like a cold barren wilderness, very little is remembered.
to the altar away from my house. or very close to my home away from the Temple of Earth . In short, had to think this is fate. to the altar four hundred years before I was born sits there, and since my grandmother was young with my father came to Beijing, has been living in a place not far from it - Fifty years or lived in several homes can be moved around is always around it, and the more removed it gets closer. I often feel that the middle of a fatalistic sense of taste: as if that ancient garden is to wait for me, And through a lot in there waiting for four hundred years.
it waits for I was born, and then wait for the most arrogant I live to age suddenly crippled legs. four hundred years, it erosion of the ancient temple eaves flamboyant glass, light faded the door to show off the red walls, a section of wall collapse and destroyed the jade puzzle Diaolan scattered, the old altar surrounded by dark green cypress trees are becoming increasingly quiet, wild vine weeds are everywhere are lush too comfortable magnanimous. this time I must have that here. Fifteen years ago, one afternoon, I Yaozhaolunyi into the garden, it is a man driven to distraction everything ready. Then, follow the sun timeless journey is getting bigger and redder. In the quiet garden filled with light, a person more likely to see the time, and saw his own shadow.
since That afternoon I came across this garden, and left it since it is long. I suddenly understood its intent. As I mentioned in a novel: Such a quiet place, such as the painstaking arrangement of God. can not find, I will roll a wheelchair to it there is always going forward there is only one of the world can escape to another world. I wrote that story: consumption in the garden. with the same from work, others go to work I have come here to roll a wheelchair. garden unattended, commuting time, some people from taking a shortcut through the garden, while active in the garden, after which it subsided down. pat, do not drive like me who want to come to this world to understand why a small insect. to; ladybug crawl impatient, tired back then sent away the wings of a prayer, click off the 忽悠; keep a cicada on the trunk, like a lonely, empty rooms; dew in the grass on the rolling, gathering, compression bent grass Shuaikai ten thousand burst of gold fell to the ground. br> I can not go in to remove several halls, except I can not go up tall altar, but only looked it from different angles, to the altar, I have been under every tree, almost each of its A meter on the grass and India have had my wheels. No matter what season, what the weather, time, I have spent in this garden. Sometimes a few moments to go home, sometimes to stay until all lights on the floor moonlight. can not remember what it is in the corner, and I want to spend hours absorbed in something on the death, but also with the same patience and thought about why I was born way. this thought for several years, the last thing finally figured out: a person born, this is no longer an issue for debate, but merely a fact to his God; God to us, when this fact has been the way to ensure that its results So death is not anxious to do something, death will inevitably come to a festival. so then I thought more peace of mind, all eyes are no longer so terrible. For example, you get up early to stay up all night preparing for the exam, when suddenly think there is a long wait in front of your vacation, you will not feel a little easier? and thankful and grateful for this arrangement?

if a park located six
God, he must have already noticed, so many years I sat in the garden, and sometimes relaxed and happy, sometimes Depression is a gloomy, sometimes leisurely, sometimes troubled anxiety lonely, sometimes calm and confident, and sometimes weakness and confusion. In fact there were only three questions alternately to harass me, to keep me company. The first is to not die? The second is why live? third, why should I write?
Now let me see, how they are woven together so far it .
you say, you do not need to see through the death is almost a rush to do anything else, no matter how a delay would not have missed something, I decided to try to live? Yes, at least this is a crucial factor. Why should we try to live it? if only because not be reconciled, a rare opportunity, do not try the white do not try and legs because it is over, everything seemed to be over, but the death was punctual credit, will try again any additional losses. maybe do have the added benefit of it is not it? I said, this to me more relaxed, more free. Why write? writers are the two was people value the word, which everyone knows. To make the depths of the hidden garden, people in wheelchairs, one day the eyes of others is also a little glory, in their eyes can have a position, even if it was then to die How many will justify, the beginning is so think it no secret that these are not kept secret.
I took my pad and pen, to the garden to find one of the least disturbed man corner, secretly writing. young man who loved to sing has been sung in the distance. If someone came to, I'll close the book, the pen in his mouth. I am worried that I end up ending up embarrassed. I have to face. But you write it, and published. People say I write not bad, they even said: I did not think you write so well. my heart that you did not think things really have a lot. I do have a full night